The Wilderness

Sometimes, we have to walk through the wilderness before reaching the Promised Land.

Have you ever been through a season of life where nothing seems to make sense, you’ve lost your sense of direction, and the end doesn’t seem to be anywhere in sight?

Recently, I have gone through a pretty big transition in my life that could be considered “time in the wilderness.” After a seven month internship in Haiti, things abruptly changed as I was sent home four months early due to civil unrest. Three months have passed since then, and I have spent much of this time regrouping, contemplating what my future holds, applying to a seemingly endless number of jobs, and trying to find my place. The thoughts, “What am I doing?” “Where am I going?” and “What is the next step?” have troubled my mind throughout these months.

I would love to say that this whole time I have trusted in the Lord to direct my path and sustain me, but that is just not the full truth. There are several times in which I have grown weary, become frustrated, or even tried to take matters into my own hands. Despite my control-freak tendencies, it has become extremely clear that God has been using this time to grow my faith, teach me obedience, and stretch my patience.

Throughout this season, I am blessed to say that I have been taken care of very well. While my bank account wouldn’t exactly suggest I’m stable, God has provided for me and met every need in this time. In fact, He has even given me opportunities to bless others. He has reminded me that He is the One who supplies every need, not a job or a full bank account.

Additionally, this season has given me so many opportunities to meet with people and build friendships. If I was occupied with a job or school, I don’t believe I would have been able to maintain and grow in community in the way I have been able to throughout this time.

Finally, this season has given me a substantial amount of time to reflect, heal, and grow. If I’m being honest, I’ve struggled emotionally more this year than I have in a very long time. I do not find it to be coincidental that when I got home and immediately tried to press “go,” God closed some doors and forced me into a time of “pause.”

The wilderness is often something people like to skip over or ignore as part of the process. In reality though, we often have to go through the wilderness before reaching the Promised Land. I wholeheartedly believe God has great, big plans for every person. However, it is often in the moments of waiting and uncertainty that we are able to grow and prepare for all that He has planned.

“Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know that in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in obedience to Him and revering Him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills, a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey, a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing,” Deuteronomy 8:4-9

Until next time,

Tamara  

The Story of a Girl and Faith

Before she was born, there was a complication. She was breech. Her parents were faith-filled believers and trusted that God would take care of her. She was born healthy with no issues.

She spent her first few years in three different states. Her dad had a job that required relocating and travel.

It seemed that no matter where she went, it ended up feeling like home. She always remembered going to church. Even at age two, she remembered the kind pastor who looked like Santa Claus, always greeting her with a smile.

Before she was at an age where she could really grasp what was happening, her grandpa started to get sick. He had dementia, her parents told her. She was sad and confused about what this meant. Although she didn’t really comprehend the illness, she was able to spend several moments with her grandpa. She always remembered him saying, “It’s good to be alive,” and, “God is good.”  

During this same time frame, there was some exciting news. She was going to have another brother!

She started school. She met some friends that brought her great joy and fun. Her little brother was born. She loved having an older brother and a younger brother, being sandwiched in between.

One day after Sunday school, she was sitting in bed and thinking about hearing the story of Jesus. She remembered her mom and dad always telling her about God in their lives. She also thought about how Grandpa used to say, “God is good.” She decided she wanted to have Jesus in her life too. She prayed asking Jesus to come into her life, and felt excited about this new change.

Her grandpa died. She remembered sitting in her mom’s lap the last day she saw him. The room was peaceful. People were reading Scripture and singing. She was sad, but felt calm because Mom and Dad said Grandpa was going to Heaven.

Just two months after her grandpa died, the girl and her family welcomed another member! A baby brother. She was so excited.

In third grade, she found out she was going to have to switch schools. She wondered how she would ever make friends again. She was upset and worried. She prayed that God would help her through this. To her surprise, she quickly made new friends. She liked going to a school that she could ride her bike to, and she enjoyed her new teachers.

In fifth grade, the news came that she would be moving to another state. She wasn’t just sad this time. She was angry. She had just made new friends, and she was going to have to do it all over again! Not to mention, she was leaving much of her family behind.

Right around this time, her other grandpa was starting to get very sick. She became very sad, and wondered why God was letting all this happen.

She finished out the school year, then packed up and said goodbye to the familiar. Within the first couple weeks of living in a new place, she met a girl at church who would later become her best friend.

When she started school, she was surprised to find many new friends there too. Without putting forth too much effort, there seemed to be a constancy of people in her life that made it less lonely. Furthermore, her new church was a place that she felt welcomed and challenged.

Nonetheless, the middle school and high school years were difficult. As she started to get older, she began to wonder what her purpose was. She sought deep meaning, and struggled to find value. She found herself possessing questions that she couldn’t find the answers to. She began to wonder if God was truly all-loving and all-powerful, why He allowed certain things to happen.

Reading the Bible and going to church weren’t cutting it. She wanted to hear from God. It seemed like He was silent.

It was in this phase of life that she began to spend more time praying, listening, and asking God the hard questions. She found some mentors that encouraged her to be patient and continue to seek God.

On a typical night in youth group, she found herself feeling so far from hearing God’s voice. There was an opportunity to come to the altar of the church that night. She had plans to go hang out with friends, and was not really up for “waiting on the Lord.” However, in that moment she felt Him actually speak to her to stay. So, she stayed.

That night, she was baptized with the Holy Spirit.

This moment served as a reminder to her that God does see, and while the answers may not have always come in the way she expected, He was there with her. He could fulfill her and guide her if she was patient and let Him in.

Upon graduating high school, the questions of purpose and value began to seep back in. She wondered what she was going to do with her life. What was she going to study in college? When would she get married? What would adulthood look like?

She spent a few years in a state of uncertainty. She took her questions to God, and went through ups and downs of trusting in Him, then getting angry about waiting.

In due time, little pieces of clarity and direction came. A trip to Haiti opened her eyes to God’s goodness and joy amidst turmoil. Surely with her access to resources and lifestyle, she would be able to find joy too.

Through the years of college, her passions became clearer. Writing gave her an outlet to process life struggles. Worship music gave her a way to interact with God and the Church in a special way.

Eventually, she settled on a college major and thought she had a “game plan.” She became consumed with plans. She had vision, and she was ready to jump into what she thought was her purpose.

After graduating college, she was interviewing for jobs that were in her field. She was applying to grad schools. She was gearing up for the next stage in the progression. Yet, nothing seemed to take hold. No job seemed to fit, and the grad schools she wanted to attend declined her applications.

She was frustrated. It felt like another year of floundering had gone by.

Then, something came up that reminded her of who was directing her life. She heard a word from God. The word was “jodia,” meaning today, or “seize the day” in Haitian Creole.

She remembered the deep love and connection God had given her for the country of Haiti, and felt this was a call to action to spend some extended time there.

After a couple months had gone by, things were looking pretty stagnant. Just before settling on a last-choice graduate school, she was presented with the opportunity to move to Haiti for a year.

She was scared and unsure. This wasn’t exactly in the plan. Yet, she felt she was supposed to do it, so she went.

Her time in Haiti was a lot of learning. She had many incredible moments, many moments of frustration, and a constant process of relying on the Holy Spirit to make up for her cultural ignorance and insecurities.

A curveball came, and she ended up having to leave much sooner than anticipated. She took the news with sadness. She once again found herself wondering what God’s plan was, and how He would make it work.

TODAY, she is reflecting and reminded of the good Father that she has followed over the years. In times of doubt, Jesus Christ has been the guiding force that has kept her stable.

She remembers all the moments He has been faithful thus far.

Today, she remembers that the same God who sent His son to die on a cross, the same God who got her family through times of grief, the same God who provided for her in ways she never expected, the same God who led her on a journey that would grow her in ways she didn’t even know she needed to, the same God who loved her and gave her purpose, the same God who flipped a plan at the last second to be something so much greater, and the same God who gave her peace in every stressful situation is the One with her today.

She doesn’t know what is next. However, she knows her hope is founded in a faithful father.

Until next time,

Tamara

From Schedules to Surrender

I’m a lover of plans. I didn’t truly even recognize this quality within myself until I moved to a culture in which plans and schedules were secondary, and anything could change at a moment’s notice. For those who are naturally gifted in flexibility and “going with the flow,” I sure do admire you! While plans certainly have their place and are necessary to function in society, there is a beauty and vulnerability within flexibility that allows for mighty moves of the Holy Spirit.

For those who don’t know, my “plans” have been on a bit of a rollercoaster for the past several months. From planning to start graduate school and being called to do an internship in Haiti instead, to moving out of an apartment and losing roommates on a short notice, to being evacuated from a country I’ve grown to love with only 36 hours to pack and say goodbye, I’ve had my fair share of plans being changed.

Talking to friends and family during this phase of life, I have often joked about what tomorrow may bring, stating that you just never know!

Jokes aside, though, it really is interesting to think about what this phase of unpredictability has taught me. I have pondered the questions, “What if I had stuck to my own plan and started graduate school?” “What if I had avoided the path set before me to satisfy my personal desires?” “What if I took the periods of great uncertainty as an opportunity to give up on God?”

I don’t know where I would be right now if I simply pursued my own will in life, but I do know that I would be missing out on meeting some incredible people, experiencing some beautiful moments, and learning some really hard lessons. Most of all, I think I could have easily lost sight of my need for Jesus.

While I am very much still in the process of pursuing God in complete surrender, trust, and obedience, He has taught me some very important lessons through this process.

1.  God does not operate within the constraints of human time and understanding.

Yikes. As much as I don’t like this point, it is really true. It may take years to understand why God has put me on the course that He has. I may never fully grasp the purpose of each turn on the route. Rather, His plans are grander than I can understand and have divine timing.

2. God is always up to something bigger, better, and more powerful than I could ever expect!

Now this point, I like! I’m not going to lie, being obedient to God in this season has been tough. However, some of the relationships I have built and experiences I have had really make it all worth it. There were a number of occasions during my time in Haiti that I just sat back and thought, “Wow, I never could have orchestrated something as cool as this to happen.” Through the hard moments and the Spirit-filled moments, I have learned that God is always working below the surface to do something deep and remarkable.

As a true lover of plans, I want to encourage you today to, perhaps, loosen the reins of your own control over plans. As difficult as it is to be obedient and wholeheartedly trust God with every step, He is SO GOOD and SO FAITHFUL. He can be trusted.

Despite the rollercoaster this season has been, God has taken care of me every step! He has honored my faithfulness, and comforted me in the unknown. He has protected me, taught me, guided me, empowered me, and blessed me abundantly. Likewise, I am trusting Him with whatever is next! If you find yourself in a similar state of uncertainty, I urge you to do the same.

God’s plans are bigger, better, and more powerful than we could ever expect.

Until next time,

Tamara

The Race

Outside of the periodic photograph, I never truly documented my journey of accomplishing a life goal: to run a 10k race. As I am now several months removed from this feat (and certainly in worse physical shape), it is interesting to look back on this season in my life. I never could have imagined how much the physical stretching, pain, and triumph would teach me and prepare me for actual life.

As cliché as it may seem, life is truly like a really long run sometimes. Before the race begins, there’s a ton of necessary prep work that nobody will ever see. There’s a beginning, there’s an end, and there’s a bunch of stuff in the middle that makes you feel like you’re going to throw up. Oh, and there’s also some beautiful moments along the way too. All of these facets are necessary parts to a race, as well as necessary parts to life.

Without completely boring you, I’d like to briefly share some of the parallels between running and life I’ve learned that have become very meaningful to me.

1.       Prior to the “start,” there is intentional thought, preparation, and hard work that must take place.

Leading up to my 10k, the preparation could easily be identified as the hardest part. Nearly every day of the week I forced myself to run a little bit further. No matter what “pump up” music I had playing, it was tough. Many days felt like I would never make it to 6.2 miles. Progress seemed slow. However, it was the diligence of running each day that led my body to be able to reach its necessary fitness level for the race.

In terms of my life, things are not all that different. I believe God has called me to do something involving trauma therapy, and maybe something long-term in Haiti. This is obviously something that does not just happen automatically. While God has certainly given me some skills and abilities that will help me, there is a necessary learning and pruning process that has to take place first.

2.       The starting line is filled with energy, support, and encouragement.

The adrenaline rush that comes at the start a race is hard to put into words. Disregarding the fact that I got lost driving in Detroit and almost missed my race, it was an invigorating experience to watch time countdown to the moment for which I had been waiting and preparing. Many people were there cheering in support as I, along with the other runners, took off to begin the race.

I feel it is a similar experience in life. I have always found people I love and care about to be present during the big moments. Whether it was my first baby step, my first speech, or my send-off to Haiti, there was excitement, support, and encouragement that surrounded me in each starting moment.

3.       The middle is sparse in support, but small acts in the midst of everything become deeply important.

Once I got into my 10k race, there weren’t too many people around. The runners dispersed and cheering supporters were relatively infrequent. However, I had a friend with me that had agreed to run the race. She was clearly more fit than I, and could’ve evidently outran me. However, each time I had to slow down to catch my breath and told her she could run ahead, she told me “No, I’m running the race with you. Take your time. We’re going to finish this together.” This meant so much to me to have someone willing to run the race by my side, even if it meant setting her back.

One thing I love about life, is there is someone who has promised to never leave my side, no matter how much I slow down or get discouraged. While God didn’t promise a perfect or easy path, He promises to be there with His children through each moment. For that, I am so grateful!

4.       There are inevitable challenges that will try to throw you off course.

I’m not sure what other people have experienced in 10k races, but my experience was certainly frustrating at points. Around mile four or five, the race was supposed to reroute, and it became extremely unclear where to run. As I was running at a slower pace, I found this out after catching up to a confused group of other runners. We all had to talk together to see if we could find the way. Eventually, we ran into a kind man that had already finished and had come back to direct the correct path.

My life has definitely been full of confusing moments and challenges that have tempted me to get off course. Nothing is worse than getting close to a goal, then finding out about an unforeseen obstacle that must be crossed first. Nonetheless, it is in these moments I have learned that I must push through and persevere to finish the goal God has set before me. Notably, God has never left me hanging in the face of an obstacle. He has always managed to provide the knowledge or help needed to make it through.

5.       There’s hope and joy that comes with envisioning the finish line.

Prior to actually running the race, I thought the last mile would be the hardest. That was not the case. In reality, knowing that I was almost to the finish line made me very excited and gave me additional energy to finish strong. There’s something about knowing you’ve almost made it to the end that brings great joy!

I imagine it is similar in life. While I definitely feel I am still in the middle of the race of life, I can’t help but believe there’s a special spark of joy that comes before completion. God has given me goals and vision for the future, and will continue to do so throughout my life. It will be so exciting to approach these milestones.

6.       Regardless of how the ending looks, there is a beauty and honor in completion.

My 10k was somewhat lackluster in excitement at the end, as most people had already finished and the 5k runners were standing there preparing to start. However, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face running through the finish line. It didn’t matter how long it took me or what was happening around me. I completed a life goal, and there was great joy in that experience.

In life, I can’t wait to see what it will be like once my time and God’s purpose in me has been completed. While there may not be a huge crowd of support on earth, the honor that God gives will be unmatched. It is my greatest hope and goal that when I complete my journey of life, God will say to me with a smile and sincerity, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

If you made it through this entire post, I commend you for your diligence in finishing this “race.” It is my hope that no matter what stage of life you find yourself in, that you would keep running. Trust that God is good. Continue to pursue His goals for your life. Don’t be discouraged by the minor setbacks. Remember that God went before you, is running right beside you, and will be there at the very end.

Until next time,

Tamara

|2018|

It is peculiar to look back on my life at the beginning of 2018 and note how much has changed. I’ve never been much for New Year resolutions or extensive reflection on the year. I tend to hold the belief that a fresh start can happen anytime, and the date on a calendar doesn’t really make a big difference in the grand scheme of life. However, this year I have found myself to be surprisingly grateful for the timestamp that will mark the end of this season. It is as if God has indicated to me that the difficult season I have been in is coming to a halt. Certainly, challenges may very well be present in the coming season. However, there is a hope and burst of energy He has placed inside of me for 2019 that wasn’t there before. I am expectant and excited for what is in store. I am ready for what may come, good or bad. I am mentally in a place that I’ve never really been in before…one of which I just know that God will take care of me, teach me, and protect me regardless of what happens.

As most readers probably know, 2018 was a year of many life changes for me. I quit my job, packed up my life in two suitcases, and committed to living in Haiti for a year. This decision was initially really exciting and adventurous, but quickly brought on many challenges that I never really expected. I faced loneliness greater than I had ever experienced, encountered daily struggles of living in a different culture, and found myself in the middle of conflicts I never would have chosen to be involved in. In many circumstances, I felt myself feeling completely stripped of my comforts and crutches. In the peak of frustration, stress, and adjustment, my weaknesses became clearer to me than ever before.

I don’t share any of these emotions with the intent of blaming someone or being pitied. Honestly, I believe deep within my spirit that this “emotional stripping,” if you will, was exactly what God had planned for me in 2018. As much as it stinks to be in a season of brokenness, there is something special about it that breeds a higher level of trust and growth. Being in a state of vulnerability facilitates dependence on a Savior.

As the end of 2018 is approaching, I am grateful for what God has revealed to me this year. I have learned the lesson of what it is like to function without full surrender and total abandon to a Savior. I am humbled to have endured some great challenges that have taught me dependence. I am joyful for the growth and trust that has been established as a result of seeking God on a level I had never reached before.

Lastly, I am super excited for what God has planned in 2019. As I continue to shift the reins of control over to God, I can only imagine the blessings and powerful things He will do.

For those in a season of brokenness or “emotional stripping,” I encourage you to take this New Year as an indicator of God giving you a fresh start. Instead of looking on the past year with sadness or bitterness, declare triumph in the lessons learned. Thank God for His goodness in spite of struggle. Be reminded of our need for a Savior, and trust that His plans are GOOD. It is my prayer that you are blessed in the year of 2019, and that hope is restored within your spirit!

Until next time,

Tamara

Freedom and (In)Dependence

Can I help you with that?

No thank you, I can do it myself!

My whole life, I’ve always been a do-it-yourself kind of girl. I never liked group projects, I always problem-solved and learned how to fix things on my own, and I would sooner climb on top of a shelf than ask a tall man at the grocery store to reach that box of cereal that was far out of my 4 ft 11in reach.

Independence is a pretty glorified thing in Western culture. If I’m being completely honest, it’s something I have taken pride in. I have always liked the freedom of doing things on my own. Moreover, relying on other people and asking for help is something that has always made me cringe. Needing other people to help navigate life is scary.

As most readers probably know, I moved to Haiti about four months ago. I packed up two suitcases and went on my way. On the surface, this 11 month journey of moving to a foreign country “on my own” may have seemed like a pretty valiant and brave venture. However, it has actually been an incredibly humbling and difficult lesson for me to learn on the value of DEPENDENCE.

Basic things like going to the grocery store, fixing a generator (which sources power in my apartment), and even ordering a meal in another language are only a few things on the long list of times in which I have needed to ask for help since arriving in Haiti. I joke with my friends and family that every day something new goes wrong and I have to ask for help.

While I certainly wouldn’t say I have completely overcome my pride and “do-it-yourself” mentality, I have learned that there is great value in community. Being stripped away from the crutch of self-service culture and convenience has given me a new perspective.

Some of the greatest relationships I have built here in Haiti are a direct result of living in community. From basic apartment maintenance, to shopping trips, to friends flocking over when I saw a “dife” (fire!) on top of my generator, I am continuously going through a process of learning to ask for help. Likewise, I am learning to trust others.

God has used these day-to-day challenges to teach me not only that I need others, but I need Him. I am certain that I could not have possibly maintained emotional and spiritual sanity in isolation. As I have had to seek the help of others and the direction and wisdom of God during this season of “newness” and transition, I have grown to realize my need for a Savior. God has given me peace and challenged me to trust Him when the world around me has seemed daunting and difficult.

If you find yourself in a state of being overly independent, I encourage you to be reminded of the value in dependence today. Although you may not be in a season of “needing others,” I challenge you to cherish the community that you’re in. If there is someone that is more qualified to do something for you and is offering to help, let them. If you have an opportunity to work alongside someone rather than just “doing it yourself,” take the time to do so. God created us to live in community with Him and others.

Let us never become so prideful of independence that we neglect the value of community and the value of dependence on our Creator. We are better together.

Until next time,

Tamara

Patient Endurance

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. Hebrews 10:36

While sitting in my bedroom after 48 hours of feeling extremely sick with what I believe to be food poisoning, I opened my Bible app and immediately stumbled upon the topic of “patient endurance.” Typically, I strangely enjoy challenges in the Bible about “rejoicing in suffering” and standing firm against all odds. Perhaps it’s my background in positive psychology and belief in the power of the mind, or perhaps I tend to unknowingly remove myself from the idea of suffering. Regardless, patient endurance wasn’t exactly the charge I was looking for amidst the miserable stomach pain. Yet, I believe this passage of scripture was exactly the reminder God wanted to give me at this time.

Patience is defined as the “ability to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.” Not to mention, patience is also a fruit of the Spirit. Endurance is defined as “the ability to endure an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way.” Patience and endurance go hand in hand. As one is patient, they will then possess greater endurance to continue on the path set before them.

Laying on my bed trying not to vomit, patient endurance seemed like a ridiculous thing for God to be presenting to me. I was feeling annoyed and frustrated about my condition and being far from home, and was honestly ready to just have a little pity party. As I read this charge about “patient endurance,” however, I was reminded of someone who patiently endured far more than I ever could. There was someone who endured the most brutal death one could ever imagine, and did so with grace and endurance. There was someone who was spat on as His nail-pierced hands held Him up on a cross that yelled, “Father, forgive them.” Let’s talk about patient endurance!

All this is to say, in my physical weakness and frustration, God is calling me to something greater. The story of Jesus’ patient endurance ends with a beautiful resurrection that brought redemption for every sinner (aka you and I). Likewise, choosing to be patient and endure the unpleasant will help me to fulfill God’s will for my life. While I may not see beyond the “sickness,” God is working and planning to fulfill His promise.

First, I must be patient.

Until next time,

Tamara