Is There More?

When it comes to viewing life, I tend to visualize a linear progression marked with milestones and a clear “finish line.” Cultural expectations and social comparison are significant contributors to this mindset. Whether referring to the past, present, or future, there is a clear “model,” or expectation of what is supposed to happen.

For me, the weight of what I would do and who I would become fell heavy on me beginning early in my teen years. At 14, I spent many sleepless nights worrying about how I would perform in school, hoping that it would be good enough to get a scholarship for college. When I was 18, I was paralyzed by the unknown. I was so frustrated with myself for not knowing what my occupation would be, or how I would get to that point. At 22, I graduated and was, again, completely struck with anxiety regarding my future. How would I find a job in my field? When would I pay off student loans? Would I meet someone to be my husband? Would I move out? At 23, I found myself fearful and frustrated after an abrupt ending to living in Haiti. I felt I was thrown back into my past, with no traction or clear path ahead.

As I look back, there are a few alarming things I notice about my thought pattern. 1.) Everything was about “me.” Yikes. As harsh of a reality it is to face, it’s evidently clear that so much of my anxiety has stemmed from what I can “get” out of life. Whether that be the best job, the perfect husband, financial stability, or independence, I have spent far too much time worrying about satisfying my desires.  

2.) Allowing my anxious thoughts to take the driver’s seat has often stifled the possibility for anything “unplanned” to happen. Although determination and conscientiousness are not inherently bad qualities, they have blinded me from out of the ordinary experiences. Furthermore, they may have completely inhibited me from engaging in what is right in front of me.

Through these observations, I am challenged to think deeper about my motivations. Is there more to life than what I can see? Have I missed opportunities because I am so focused on my “plan?” Am I so focused on myself, that I have forgotten the Author and Savior of my life?

I’m thankful for a God that is patient—because it seems I have been learning the same lesson over and over again. God has gracefully revealed to me that life is not always linear. As much as I would like to seamlessly hit each milestone I have been trained to expect, it doesn’t always work that way. God has shown me that some of the most pivotal moments are the ones that are a bit “off course.”

Furthermore, I’m not the best “driver.” No matter how many times I have ripped the steering wheel from God’s gentle grasp to take the route I see fit, God always patiently waits for me to return my trust to Him.

As I am on the precipice of becoming ¼ a century old (yikes), I want to make a declaration of Who is the “driver” of my life. Today, I choose to trust God with whatever He has planned. I choose to release my expectations and hardwired tendency to take control. I choose to surrender and live my life for God first, and all else second. I trust that what He has planned is good, and will far surpass my deepest hopes and dreams.

If you find yourself in a similar place of gripping tightly to expectations and control, I challenge you to join me in this “release.” Instead, trust in the One who will do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to His power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:20).

Until next time,

Tamara