For me, the weight of what I would do and who I would become
fell heavy on me beginning early in my teen years. At 14, I spent many
sleepless nights worrying about how I would perform in school, hoping that it
would be good enough to get a scholarship for college. When I was 18, I was paralyzed
by the unknown. I was so frustrated with myself for not knowing what my
occupation would be, or how I would get to that point. At 22, I graduated and
was, again, completely struck with anxiety regarding my future. How would I
find a job in my field? When would I pay off student loans? Would I meet
someone to be my husband? Would I move out? At 23, I found myself fearful and
frustrated after an abrupt ending to living in Haiti. I felt I was thrown back
into my past, with no traction or clear path ahead.
As I look back, there are a few alarming things I notice
about my thought pattern. 1.) Everything was about “me.” Yikes. As harsh of a
reality it is to face, it’s evidently clear that so much of my anxiety has
stemmed from what I can “get” out of life. Whether that be the best job, the
perfect husband, financial stability, or independence, I have spent far too
much time worrying about satisfying my desires.
2.) Allowing my anxious thoughts to take the driver’s seat
has often stifled the possibility for anything “unplanned” to happen. Although
determination and conscientiousness are not inherently bad qualities, they have
blinded me from out of the ordinary experiences. Furthermore, they may have completely
inhibited me from engaging in what is right in front of me.
Through these observations, I am challenged to think deeper
about my motivations. Is there more to life than what I can see? Have I missed opportunities because I am
so focused on my “plan?” Am I so focused on myself, that I have forgotten the
Author and Savior of my life?
I’m thankful for a God that is patient—because it seems I
have been learning the same lesson over and over again. God has gracefully
revealed to me that life is not always linear. As much as I would like to seamlessly
hit each milestone I have been trained to expect, it doesn’t always work that
way. God has shown me that some of the most pivotal moments are the ones that
are a bit “off course.”
Furthermore, I’m not the best “driver.” No matter how many
times I have ripped the steering wheel from God’s gentle grasp to take the route
I see fit, God always patiently waits for me to return my trust to Him.
As I am on the precipice of becoming ¼ a century old
(yikes), I want to make a declaration of Who is the “driver” of my life. Today,
I choose to trust God with whatever He has planned. I choose to release my
expectations and hardwired tendency to take control. I choose to surrender and
live my life for God first, and all else second. I trust that what He has
planned is good, and will far surpass my deepest hopes and dreams.
If you find yourself in a similar place of gripping tightly
to expectations and control, I challenge you to join me in this “release.”
Instead, trust in the One who will do exceedingly abundantly above all that we
ask or think, according to His power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:20).
Until next time,
Tamara
