Before she was born, there was a complication. She was
breech. Her parents were faith-filled believers and trusted that God would take
care of her. She was born healthy with no issues.
She spent her first few years in three different states. Her dad
had a job that required relocating and travel.
It seemed that no matter where she went, it ended up feeling like home. She
always remembered going to church. Even at age two, she remembered the kind
pastor who looked like Santa Claus, always greeting her with a smile.
Before she was at an age where she could really grasp what
was happening, her grandpa started to get sick. He had dementia, her parents
told her. She was sad and confused about what this meant. Although she didn’t
really comprehend the illness, she was able to spend several moments with her grandpa. She always remembered him saying, “It’s good to be alive,” and, “God is good.”
During this same time frame, there was some exciting news.
She was going to have another brother!
She started school. She met some friends that brought her
great joy and fun. Her little brother was born. She loved having an older
brother and a younger brother, being sandwiched in between.
One day after Sunday school, she was sitting in bed and
thinking about hearing the story of Jesus. She remembered her mom and dad
always telling her about God in their lives. She also thought about how Grandpa
used to say, “God is good.” She decided she wanted to have Jesus in her life
too. She prayed asking Jesus to come into her life, and felt excited about this new change.
Her grandpa died. She remembered sitting in her mom’s lap the
last day she saw him. The room was peaceful. People were reading Scripture and
singing. She was sad, but felt calm because Mom and Dad said Grandpa was going
to Heaven.
Just two months after her grandpa died, the girl and her family
welcomed another member! A baby brother. She was so excited.
In third grade, she found out she was going to have to
switch schools. She wondered how she would ever make friends again. She was
upset and worried. She prayed that God would help her through this. To her
surprise, she quickly made new friends. She liked going to a school that she
could ride her bike to, and she enjoyed her new teachers.
In fifth grade, the news came that she would be moving to
another state. She wasn’t just sad this time. She was angry. She had just made
new friends, and she was going to have to do it all over again! Not to mention,
she was leaving much of her family behind.
Right around this time, her other grandpa was starting to
get very sick. She became very sad, and wondered why God was letting all this
happen.
She finished out the school year, then packed up and said
goodbye to the familiar. Within the first couple weeks of living in a new
place, she met a girl at church who would later become her best friend.
When she started school, she was surprised to find many new
friends there too. Without putting forth too much effort, there seemed to be a constancy
of people in her life that made it less lonely. Furthermore, her new church was
a place that she felt welcomed and challenged.
Nonetheless, the middle school and high school years were
difficult. As she started to get older, she began to wonder what her purpose
was. She sought deep meaning, and struggled to find value. She found herself
possessing questions that she couldn’t find the answers to. She began to wonder
if God was truly all-loving and all-powerful, why He allowed certain things to
happen.
Reading the Bible and going to church weren’t cutting it.
She wanted to hear from God. It seemed like He was silent.
It was in this phase of life that she began to spend more
time praying, listening, and asking God the hard questions. She found some
mentors that encouraged her to be patient and continue to seek God.
On a typical night in youth group, she found herself feeling
so far from hearing God’s voice. There was an opportunity to come to the altar
of the church that night. She had plans to go hang out with friends, and was
not really up for “waiting on the Lord.” However, in that moment she felt Him
actually speak to her to stay. So, she stayed.
That night, she was baptized with the Holy Spirit.
This moment served as a reminder to her that God does see,
and while the answers may not have always come in the way she expected, He was
there with her. He could fulfill her and guide her if she was patient and let
Him in.
Upon graduating high school, the questions of purpose and
value began to seep back in. She wondered what she was going to do with her
life. What was she going to study in college? When would she get married? What
would adulthood look like?
She spent a few years in a state of uncertainty. She took her
questions to God, and went through ups and downs of trusting in Him, then getting
angry about waiting.
In due time, little pieces of clarity and direction came. A
trip to Haiti opened her eyes to God’s goodness and joy amidst turmoil. Surely
with her access to resources and lifestyle, she would be able to find joy too.
Through the years of college, her passions became clearer.
Writing gave her an outlet to process life struggles. Worship music gave her a
way to interact with God and the Church in a special way.
Eventually, she settled on a college major and thought she had a “game
plan.” She became consumed with plans. She had vision, and she was ready to
jump into what she thought was her purpose.
After graduating college, she was interviewing for jobs that
were in her field. She was applying to grad schools. She was gearing up for the
next stage in the progression. Yet, nothing seemed to take hold. No job seemed to fit, and the
grad schools she wanted to attend declined her applications.
She was frustrated. It felt like another year of floundering
had gone by.
Then, something came up that reminded her of who was
directing her life. She heard a word from God. The word was “jodia,” meaning today,
or “seize the day” in Haitian Creole.
She remembered the deep love and connection God had given
her for the country of Haiti, and felt this was a call to action to spend some
extended time there.
After a couple months had gone by, things were looking
pretty stagnant. Just before settling on a last-choice graduate school, she was
presented with the opportunity to move to Haiti for a year.
She was scared and unsure. This wasn’t exactly in the plan.
Yet, she felt she was supposed to do it, so she went.
Her time in Haiti was a lot of learning. She had many incredible
moments, many moments of frustration, and a constant process of relying on the
Holy Spirit to make up for her cultural ignorance and insecurities.
A curveball came, and she ended up having to leave much
sooner than anticipated. She took the news with sadness. She once again found
herself wondering what God’s plan was, and how He would make it work.
TODAY, she is reflecting and reminded of the good Father
that she has followed over the years. In times of doubt, Jesus Christ has been
the guiding force that has kept her stable.
She remembers all the moments He has been faithful thus far.
Today, she remembers that the same God who sent His son to die on
a cross, the same God who got her family through times of grief, the same God
who provided for her in ways she never expected, the same God who led her on a
journey that would grow her in ways she didn’t even know she needed to, the
same God who loved her and gave her purpose, the same God who flipped a plan at
the last second to be something so much greater, and the same God who gave her
peace in every stressful situation is the One with her today.
She doesn’t know what is next. However, she knows her hope is
founded in a faithful father.
Until next time,
Tamara
